If your adult child displays narcissistic tendencies I really feel for you. Somehow you are going to need to learn to be very tough however and see beyond their rudeness and arrogance if you are to have any hope of getting your family through this. Too many people tell us there is nothing that can be done, but I dispute this. Without you taking action the situation will continue to deteriorate, so if you think things are bad now just wait a couple more years and you will see that indeed things can get worse still. It just goes on and on.

It is vital that you work on your relationship with your child before you tackle their bad behaviour2. How much sway you have will be equal only to how much respect you have earned and it will probably take some solid work to build that trust. Do you have bad habits that you rationalize? You need to tackle your own bad habits first if you want to earn your child’s respect and the authority to lead the way to a better future in their life.

You may need help from community services and government agencies to limit their abusive behaviour and it will be important that you learn to stay calm if you expect assistance. If your child is breaking the law (for instance) you cannot protect them from the consequences of their own actions and you may need to report them, all the while standing by and letting them know you are still there and that you still love them but that you will no longer protect them from themselves.

There are most likely also gaps in their development that you will need to uncover. Are they really as good at the things they pretend they are? How could you give some support in filling in these gaps? Is there somewhere they can receive parent training in your area or is there volunteer community service work you could challenge them to do? There are exercises for finding the gaps in “The Love Safety Net Workbook.” It is important that you do not have too high expectations. Be happy and satisfied to see them working to be a solid partner and parent and earning an honest living for instance without needing them to be the CEO of a company or some kind of champion to impress you. Behind their arrogance is a lot of insecurity about being able to live up to yours and others’ expectations of them, so make sure you set small and solid steps and be clear that this is what will impress you. Understanding what your child's marriage partner is facing and what steps they will need to take may also help you in supporting them and your grand kids through difficult times now or in the future.