While dating it is unfortunately very common to put forward a false and idealized image of ourself while having a fantasy image in our mind of our partner that may have little to do with who they really are.

We do some of this damage when we project our desires onto our partner (while ignoring any evidence to the contrary) and put forward a false idea of ourselves, fearing that who we really are won’t be enough.

Steve and I regularly see the bitter endings these beginnings can create and so we have recently begun giving advice to people who are single and dating with ‘rules’ for dating that create healthier relationships than the scenario above.

The main idea we want to put across is that a healthy relationship will develop when both partners are emotionally mature. This is not about how old you are but instead about how well you have learned to regulate your emotions1 and how well you really know and can be yourself.

It is also about being able to face (and feel) your own embarrassment and shame and let these emotions do their transformative work in helping you to learn better behaviour and more mature ways of relating, rather than the immaturity that results when a person who is afraid of feeling embarrassment avoids this emotion by habitually blaming their problems on someone else.