When dating it is unfortunately very common to put forward a false and idealised image of oneself and also to hold in our mind a fantasy ideal of the object of our affection that may have little to do with the real person.

We do some of this damage our self when we project our own desires onto our partner and ignore any evidence to the contrary and we can also put forward a false idea of who we are intentionally, fearing that who we really are won’t be enough.

Steve and I regularly see the bitter endings that these beginnings can create and so we have recently begun giving advice to people who are single and dating as to what kind of ‘rules’ for dating create healthier relationships than the scenario above.

The main idea we want to put across is that a healthy relationship will develop when both partners are emotionally mature. This is not about how old you are but instead about how well you have learned to regulate your emotions1 and how well you really know and can be yourself.

It is also about being able to face our own embarrassment and shame and let these emotions do their transformative work in helping us to learn better behaviour and more mature ways of relating, rather than the immaturity that results when a person who is afraid of feeling embarrassment avoids this emotion by habitually blaming their problems on someone else.